Couples Therapy

Working with couples I use Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method. 

 

EFT emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing the emotions underlying relationship interactions. It views emotions as valuable sources of information about individuals' needs, desires, and fears within the relationship.  EFT is grounded in attachment theory, which suggests that the quality of early attachment experiences shapes individuals' emotional responsiveness and relational patterns throughout life. EFT aims to identify and address attachment-related patterns within the couple's relationship. EFT helps couples identify negative interaction patterns or "cycles" that lead to conflict and disconnection. By recognizing these patterns, couples can learn to de-escalate conflicts and create more secure emotional bonds.  Making the pattern of emotional interaction the problem and not your partner.  EFT teaches couples skills for managing and expressing their emotions in constructive ways. This involves learning to identify and communicate underlying feelings, needs, and vulnerabilities without resorting to destructive behaviors or withdrawal.  EFT aims to foster a secure emotional bond between partners by promoting empathy, validation, and responsiveness to each other's emotional experiences. Couples learn to create a safe and supportive emotional environment where they can express themselves openly and feel understood and accepted.  EFT helps couples restructure their attachment bonds by fostering greater emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. This leads to increased intimacy, trust, and satisfaction within the relationship.  EFT addresses sexual issues by helping couples understand and meet each other’s emotional and attachment needs, creating a foundation of trust and intimacy that enhances their sexual relationship.  EFT provides couples with tools and strategies to maintain the progress achieved in therapy and prevent relapse into old patterns of interaction. This may involve the ongoing practice of communication skills, emotional regulation techniques, and continued exploration of deeper emotional needs and fears.

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The Gottman Method uses a house as a metaphor for healthy relationships and provides a framework for couples to work from the foundation up to the roof and improve their relationship.

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The Sound Relationship House model includes nine components such as building love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, having a positive perspective, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, creating shared meaning, trust, and commitment.

 

Floor 1: Build Love Maps

It all begins on the firm foundation of knowing each other. In the first level of the Sound Relationship House, partners build what Dr. John Gottman calls a “Love Map,” which is the essential guide to your partner’s inner world. What are their likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? Did they have a happy childhood? How do they prefer to relax after a tense day? Building Love Maps means asking the right questions to learn more about your partner. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.

Floor 2: Share Fondness and Admiration

Everyone needs to hear something nice about themselves, and it means the most when it comes from your partner. Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalizing the characteristics that you appreciate. Perhaps you admire their sense of humor or the way they’re always willing to help someone in need. In healthy relationships, you can articulate the big and little reasons you love your partner.

Floor 3: Turn Towards

When you need attention, support, and comfort from your partner, you are likely to say something or make a gesture to elicit a response from them—what Gottman calls a “bid.” Your partner turns toward that bid when they reply with what you need. Consistently turning away (or worst yet, turning against) a bid spells disaster for any relationship. When you both recognize and turn toward each other’s bids, you create a safe space for you both to express yourselves and your needs.

Floor 4: The Positive Perspective

Isn’t so much of life all in how you look at it? That’s what the Positive Perspective offers. Couples in healthy relationships see the best in each other and don’t rush to offense or criticism. So, when your partner rushes out the door and forgets to kiss you goodbye, a Positive Perspective means that you give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they were absentmindedly preoccupied rather than intentionally negligent. Believing that you’re on the same team solidifies your union and strengthens you from the inside out.

Floor 5: Manage Conflict

Since you can’t avoid conflict, knowing what to do when it inevitably shows is key.  First, you need to accept your partner’s influence—meaning you take their feelings and desires into account instead of doing everything your own way. Second, whether problems are solvable or perpetual, you dialogue about them. Third, when you feel yourself getting heated during an argument, self-soothing (such as taking a walk or taking deep breaths) will help you remain calm.

Floor 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

The beauty of good companionship is that you have someone who will not only encourage you in your goals but also help you reach them. This level can look like coming up with a plan to pay off debt brought into the partnership or being supportive of them going back to school. Making life dreams come true shows that you want the best possible life for your partner and you are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

Floor 7: Create Shared Meaning

The top of the Sound Relationship House functions much like its foundation of Love Maps, except on this level, you build and understand an inner world as a couple. Gottman thinks of it as developing a culture of symbols and rituals that express who you are as a team. It can be as simple as getting pizza from the place you both love every Friday night and as intricate as the unique way you celebrate birthdays. These Rituals of Connection define you as a unit, and you create them together.

The Weight-Bearing Walls of Trust and Commitment

As important as all the floors of the Sound Relationship House are, they don’t hold together without the pillars of trust and commitment. In a healthy, supportive relationship, two people make the decision to have faith in each other and stick together. They freely love one another and pledge to help that love grow.

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